The job-performance ratings are out. Here's yours.
I hope I'm delivering it to you in a satisfactory way.
Marlene, when I gave you a "satisfactory" rating...
...it means you're satisfying the requirements of your job.
-It's a good rating. -No, the good rating is "good."
-Yes. -What did you get?
It's not important.
They gave you a "superior" again, didn't they?
No, I earned a "superior."
You do know the day I snap and come back here with a gun, you're first.
Thanks for the heads-up.
Superior.
Superior, superior.
-Hey. -Hey.
-Were you dancing? -Yes.
Marlene, turn off the intercom.
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that unsatisfactory?
-Look, I got a "superior" rating. -Honey, that's excellent.
No, look, it's one better than "excellent." Nobody gets "superior."
That's kind of sad. Everyone should feel superior.
Not unless they are.
Actually, you're right.
If people know they're superior, they don't need certificates to tell them.
I don't need a certificate.
-But you wanna put it on the fridge, right? -Yes.
Careful, Dharma, don't bend it.
Okay.
I got great news too, but you have to come with me.
-You have to see for yourself. -Good news?
It's news that makes you happy. Come on.
Job ratings came out this morning.
I know, buddy. Listen, don't put too much stock in these.
Call me mother, because I got a "superior."
"Superior."
You're kidding.
-Yeah. -That's great. Nobody gets "superior."
Tell me about it.
Well, I can't stand around yakking.
I gotta get back to the mailroom. There's a big poker game going on.
Just because Pete got a "superior"...
...it doesn't make your "superior" any less superior.
Yes, it does. Because apparently now...
..."superior" means come to work hung-over...
...nap, lunch at Hooters, nap, xerox your ass...
...nap, and then happy hour at Hooters.
Oh, you never xerox your ass. I'd put that on the fridge.
You should make a bunch of them. We'll color them in.
Here we are.
-Ready? -Ready.
More.
No, more information.
This is my store. I signed the lease for it this morning.
-I didn't know you're looking for a store. -Neither did l.
-lsn't that just how it happens? -No. Generally that's not how it happens.
What are you gonna sell?
I have no idea. First I have to figure out what color it wants to be painted.
Welcome to Dharma's.
-Dharma, how much is this gonna cost? -I have money stashed up...
...from when I was a dancer with ZZ Top. Look at all this exposed brick.
You danced with ZZ Top?
I told you that. Look, and this is original molding.
No, you didn't.
I'd remember that you danced with ZZ Top.
Oh, okay, I danced with ZZ Top.
Nine months, big bus, one of the beards is fake.
Anyway, here's the counter, and there's a storage room in the back.
Very nice, but what are you gonna use the storage room for?
Oh, cut it out.
Storage.
Oh, honey, this is great.
-Perfect. -Perfect for what?
I know. It could be anything.
Dharma, I think you're gonna need tables and chairs.
Good idea. People might wanna sit.
Greg. Isn't this amazing?
Dharma is changing the face of business.
Gone is the totalitarian mentality.
Here are my goods. Buy them.
I need to sit down.
What did I tell you, Dharma? Chairs.
-Or sofas. -Or beanbags.
-Beanbags. -Beanbags.
That's good.
Boss? You got a minute?
-Sure, Montgomery. Come on in. -I just wanted to thank you...
-...for the "superior" job rating. -Hey, you earned it.
Just out of curiosity...
...how many other people got "superior" ratings?
Just you and Pete Cavanaugh.
So you see us as on kind of the same level?
Pretty much, yeah. Both superior.
Let me lob this one at you.
My wife and I are thinking about our Christmas vacation.
How would you evaluate these two destinations?
Tahiti or Buffalo, New York?
Well, that's a tough one.
-lt is? -Well, with Buffalo...
...you got your Niagara Falls, you got your spicy wings...
...you got your Bills.
But then with Tahiti...
...you do have your nice weather.
I'd say that's a tossup.
How can you equate Buffalo, New York in the dead of winter...
...with the tropical paradise of Tahiti?
It seems you're leaning towards Tahiti. You should go with your gut.
Thanks, boss. Good advice.
Sorry to bother you again.
I was just in the kitchen looking for a snack...
...and I'm torn between this creamy chocolate Dove bar...
...and these fat-free wheat crackers.
Okay, okay, I see what's bugging you here.
-You do? -Yeah.
You don't know if you want salty or sweet.
I want the superior snack.
Hey, is your name "Marlene"?
Look at that. Problem solved.
-Hey, it's looking pretty good. -Hey, thanks.
-Any idea what it is yet? -Nope.
-But I do know one thing. -Yeah.
-Right there. -Yeah.
I'm putting in cubbyholes.
-Genius. -She's got your head for business, Lare.
Are you open yet?
-Oh, pretty soon. -What are you going to be selling?
-What do you need? -Nothing, really.
I'm just waiting for the bus.
Oh, well, you're welcome to wait right here.
Really?
Thanks.
There you go.
There you go, what? You've opened a bus stop?
Hey, maybe I did.
Enjoy yourself.
-Hey, Greg. -Yeah?
-Your old man wanna buy a boat? -Why, is this a boat store?
Might be. Ask Dharma.
A friend of mine is looking to sell a great boat really cheap.
-Why? -Well, let's just say...
...that if the feds find him...
...he's gonna need lawyer money more than he needs a really fast boat.
Pop quiz, Larry, I'm a federal prosecutor, true or false?
True.
I'm gonna forget this conversation ever happened.
I'm sure you will.
Hey, do you think I should have a clown for the grand opening?
Well, let me ask you a question.
How would the clown complete this sentence:
"Hey, boys and girls, come on in and buy our....?"
You are obsessed with this.
Wouldn't it be better if your store sold something?
So now a store that sells something...
...is automatically better than a store that doesn't?
Yes. Just like Dove bars are better than wheat crackers...
...and Tahiti is better than Buffalo.
-Are you okay? -I'm fine.
Or maybe I'm terrible. Who cares? They're both good.
Go home, Greg.
I'll call you later. I have a break at 3.
Hi. Excuse me?
-Hi. -Can I get today's paper in here?
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't sell newspapers.
Well, I'm finished with mine.
-Have a seat. -Thanks.
Check it out, Abby. Business is totally picking up.
Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.
-Great boat, isn't it? -Yes. Yes, actually it is.
Odd name, Innocent Fishing Boat.
-She's a beaut, huh, Ed? -Lots of pep.
I feel like Cliff Robertson on the PT 109.
You mean, Jack Kennedy.
Jack Kennedy never made a movie.
-Edward, look at my hair. -It's nice.
Have you been doing something different with it?
Slow down the boat.
Just when you get the right answer to one of those questions...
...they change it on you.
So, what do you think, Ed, we got a deal?
I don't know yet. What's in it for you?
Ten percent of the sale price...
...plus Abby and me get to hang out on it whenever we want.
-No chance. -All right, just me.
There you go, mister sea lion.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to speak sea lion, but I can't seem to shake my dog accent.
Oh, isn't he cute?
You know, he looks remarkably like the little European man...
...who tunes our piano.
-Can I try? -Sure, sure. Go ahead.
Hello, hello.
-Kitty. -Oh, he likes it.
Well, what is he doing?
He's getting on the boat.
-Why? -I don't know.
Maybe he's tired of swimming.
-Edward. -Larry.
Judas Priest.
Shark!
Get off the boat. Overboard--
Hey.
Back! Back, back!
Welcome to Dharma's. Right this way.
-What do you have here? -What do you want?
I don't know. You have some juice?
Does anybody have any juice?
I brought an extra.
There you go.
-Hey, sorry I'm late, boss. -Oh, hey, that's all right.
What do you want me to do?
Well, there's nothing to do.
-Okay if I start over there? All right. -You better get cracking.
Shoo-in for employee of the month.
-Excuse me. Is this your business? -Yep.
-Do you have a license? -Let's find out.
Does anybody have an extra license?
No, I'm from the city. You have a license for this establishment?
Oh, no, I don't. What kind of license do I need?
-That depends. What do you sell? -Nothing.
-Nothing? -Zip, squat, bupkis, nada.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Zilch, zero, zot, the null set.
But what are all these people doing here?
Well, he's doing a crossword puzzle...
...and they're playing backgammon, and they're having a staring contest.
I better call my supervisor.
-Do you have a phone? -Does anybody have a phone?
-I do. -Tom does.
Here you go. My company pays for it.
Thanks.
You have beautiful skin.
That's because I exfoliate.
It certainly shows.
-Hey, boss, I got a big idea. -Hit me.
We franchise the place. Dharma's all over the country.
Fresno, Bakersfield, Rancho Cucamonga.
I already considered that.
But how do you keep the quality from going down?
That's why you're the boss.
This is preposterous. There must be some way to get the beast off the boat.
I don't know. These animals are very territorial...
...and he's clearly made that area his home.
He urinated on the steering wheel.
At sea, we say helm.
Okay, he helmed on the steering wheel.
The point is, he's not going anywhere.
Oh, yummy, homemade bread.
So it--? It smells good to you?
Yeah.
Better than this store-bought bread?
-Yeah. Can I have some? -No, it's for work.
You're still a lawyer, right?
Yes.
Don't-- Don't touch the crust. I put an egg wash on it.
You're still straight, right?
I gotta jump in the shower.
-So do l. -No, I need to go first.
-Why? -I need to get to work.
-And I don't? -Oh, come on, Dharma, be serious.
Your job is more important than mine?
I don't know what your job is.
-Maybe if you took a little more interest-- -You don't know what your job is.
I put bad guys in jail.
And bake bread for them?
I just-- I can't be late.
If I don't open by 8, I lose my commuter traffic.
You have commuter traffic?
Beautiful sunrise.
Kitty, did you bring a camera?
We have been held hostage by a psychotic sea lion...
...for 20 hours, and you wanna take pictures?
Well, good morning, starshine.
You know, someday, this will be a great story to tell our grandchildren.
You know what's another great story? That Green Eggs and Ham.
Edward.
I know that one.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
-I do not like them, Sam-l-am. -I do not like them, Sam-l-am.
Edward.
Good morning.
Good morning, fellow mammal, fellow bearer of live young.
All right. Someone else here is not a morning person.
-What's the one with the cat in the hat? -The Cat in the Hat.
No, no, no, no.
This is so good.
I like to ball it up on the roof of my mouth.
It reminds me of when I was a kid.
And how does it compare to the homemade cinnamon bread...
...that I baked fresh this morning?
That was tasty.
Tastier than the store-bought.
-They're both good. -They are not both good.
I made this myself. I've been up since 4 in the morning.
This-- This is-- This is stale. It has mold on it.
They gave it to me.
I didn't even have to pay for it.
-Montgomery, please, calm down. -Why? Why? Why should I be calm?
Is it better to be calm?
Come on. Come on. Make a choice.
-You wanted to see me, sir? -Oh, Cavanaugh, good.
Actually, I wanna talk to both of you.
I'm taking my vacation. I need to appoint an acting supervisor.
Now, it was a hard decision because you're both good.
Yeah. Yeah, you hear that, Pete? We're both good.
Montgomery, I've been worried about you lately. You seem a little off your game.
A little off my game? I'm losing my freaking mind.
Do you know the difference?
I'll take your word for it.
-Cavanaugh, you're in charge. -Well, thank you, sir.
Mr. Clayborn, I was-- I was thinking of polishing up my shoes.
Should I use the Shinola in my office, or should l--? Should I go down and--?
Hey. What are you doing here in the middle of the afternoon?
Oh, Pete's having a staff meeting at a strip club.
It wasn't mandatory.
-Can I get you anything? -Selling anything yet?
Nope.
You look like you could use a drink.
-There you go. -Thanks.
You want a shoulder rub? Lisa over here is giving shoulder rubs.
Well, that would be nice.
I'll give you 10 minutes for the amaretto.
There you go.
-This is kind of nice. -lt is, isn't it?
-Are you making any money? -Nope, getting killed.
And you're okay with that?
I'm having such a good time.
I wish I was having a good time at my job.
Honey, it's hard, because you're looking for external validation.
-And I shouldn't, I know. -No. I mean, you need external validation.
It's your thing.
-And that's okay? -See what I mean?
But you're saying it's okay?
Okay. Yes, it is totally okay for you to need external validation.
Well, what do you think?
Edward, I've been holding it for 20 hours.
Do something before I helm myself.
All right, new plan. Finkelstein, you and I will rush him.
One of us might get hurt, but the other should get past...
-...and take control of the boat. -Who put you in charge?
I have experience. I was a Green Beret.
Then what do you need me for? I worked in a dry cleaners in Canada.
I cannot take another moment of this.
Get off of this boat before I make a coat out of you!
Abandon ship!
Everyone, abandon ship!
I blame you.
-Hey. -Hey, you're home early.
Pete needed my office as a dressing room...
...for the wet T-shirt contest.
-What are you doing? -Scrubbing like a bubble.
-Why? -Because I had a double shot...
...espresso mochaccino grande.
Why?
Because we get free Starbucks for life now.
I'm sticking with why.
-It's part of my deal. -Switching to what?
My deal. I sold the lease out to Starbucks for $10,000...
...and all the "cappu" we can "ccino."
You sold the store? I was just beginning to like the store.
I thought I could use the profits and open a drive-through.
-Drive-through what? -I don't know.
But it would be really convenient and it would solve my parking problem.
-Good night, honey. -But it's only 7:00.
I'm very tired.
Hey, you want some biscotti? We got biscotti out the butt.
What do you say, Ed?
If you buy the boat, we can do this every weekend.